牛與世界地圖

本笑話源自於美國雜誌,都是以兩頭牛為主題,用種諷刺性的詼諧手法,巧妙說明各種經濟模型、世界各國的社會現象。天使覺得非常有趣,整理到這邊,並且會加註一些解釋以便讓更多人理解。

 

SOCIALISM 社會主義
You have two cows. You give one to your neighbor.
你有兩頭牛,把其中一頭送給鄰居。

天使註解:在台灣很多人會以為社會主義就是共產主義,實則不然,社會主義是主張以社會為整體,令社會控制資本、土地、資產等。重視整體利益,在這邊,你有兩頭牛,為了群眾利益,把其中一頭分給鄰居。




COMMUNISM 共產主義
You have two cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
你有兩頭牛。國家把兩頭都拿走,只給你一點牛奶。

天使註解:共產主義主張消滅私有財產,被馬克思認為是社會主義的最終型態。


FASCISM 法西斯主義
You have two cows. The State takes both then sells you some milk.
你有兩頭牛。國家把兩頭都拿走,回頭再把牛奶賣給你。

天使註解:根據大英辭典,法西斯主義把個人地位壓制在社會群體下。賣牛奶之虞說不定還跟你說這都是為了民族之大義呢!



NAZISM 納粹主義
You have two cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
你有兩頭牛。國家把兩頭都拿走,然後射殺你。

天使註解:納粹主義主張國家權力集中化...射殺你都是為了國家



BUREAUCRATISM 官僚主義
You have two cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other,
and then throws the milk away.
你有兩頭牛。國家把兩頭都拿走,殺死一頭,
另外一隻送去擠奶,後來又把擠好的牛奶倒掉。

天使註解:官僚主義是個完全貶詞,譏諷一些不知民間疾苦,只知道個人享受的官員。壓榨百姓、拿了百姓的稅(牛)享樂,卻連一點施捨也不肯回饋。用句話形容就是「朱門酒肉臭、路有凍死骨!」



TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM 傳統資本主義
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
你有兩頭牛。你把其中一隻賣了,買來一隻公牛。
你的牛不斷增加,經濟不斷成長。最後你把牛都賣了,拿著那些錢退休。

天使註解:其實這幾句話還無法把傳統資本主義精神說出,
應該在加個「政府對這過程完全不干預,沒有牛為你工作擠奶,最後餓死。擁有牛的則賺到花也花不完的金錢,悠閒退休...」




SURREALISM 超現實主義
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
你有兩隻長頸鹿。政府規定你要上口琴課。

 天使註解:總之就是不知所云XD


AMERICAN CORPORATION 美國企業
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
你有兩頭牛。你把一頭賣掉,然後強迫另外一頭生產四倍的牛奶。
之後,你請了顧問來調查為什麼你的牛掛點了。

天使註解:諷刺美國企業的削剝、壓榨行為,我還想加上「最後若還找個律師,控訴其他有牛的人侵權」就更像啦!


FRENCH CORPORATION 法國企業
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads,
because you want three cows.
你有兩頭牛。你罷工、發動暴亂、阻塞道路,因為你想要三頭牛。

天使註解:諷刺法國人老愛搞罷工跟抗爭。



JAPANESE CORPORATION 日本企業
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth of the size of
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever
cow cartoon image called "Cowkimon" and market it worldwide.
你有兩頭牛。你改造牠們,所以牠們只有十分之一的大小,但是可以生產二十倍的
牛奶。然後你設計一個乳牛造型的卡通人物叫 "Cowkimon" 並行銷全世界。
 

天使註解:這還要註解嗎...日本人太會行銷這種可愛東西啦XD


GERMAN CORPORATION 德國企業
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years,
eat once a month, and milk themselves.
你有兩頭牛。
你改造牠們,讓牠們可以活 100 年,
一個月吃一次東西,還會自己擠好牛奶。

天使註解:諷刺德國佬什麼都講究工業化和企業管理。


ITALIAN CORPORATION 義大利企業
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
你有兩隻牛,但是你不知道牠們在哪裡。
你決定放棄,乾脆出去吃午餐。

天使註解:義大利人樂天性質的確蠻妙的



RUSSIAN CORPORATION 俄國企業
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have two cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of Vodka.
你有兩頭牛。你數了一下,發現你有五頭牛。
你再數一次,發現你有 42 頭牛。
你再數一次,結果變成兩頭牛。
你放棄數牛了,於是打開另一瓶伏特加。

天使註解:這是譏諷俄國過去實施共產主義,養成"膨風",不過這點到近期已經有改善


SWISS CORPORATION 瑞士企業
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
你這邊有 5000 頭牛,但是沒有一頭是你的。你向牛的主人們收儲存費。

天使註解:用句話形容瑞士就是「世界銀行」


IRAQI CORPORATION 伊拉克企業
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them you have none.
No one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you
and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...
大家都覺得你有很多牛。你告訴他們,你連半隻都沒有。
沒人相信你,所以大家把你轟炸得屁滾尿流然後入侵你的國家。
你還是沒有牛,但至少你現在是民主世界的一部分...

天使註解:這個讓天使笑翻天,譏諷英美惡意入侵伊拉克行為



AUSTRALIA CORPORATION 澳洲企業
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
你有兩頭牛。生意似乎很好。為了慶祝,你把店關了,去外面喝兩杯。

 
天使註解:澳洲人可喜歡慶典的呀!


NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION 紐西蘭企業
You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.
你有兩頭牛。左邊的那頭看起來很讚。

天使註解:紐西蘭牛很多~非常多!因此開車時候,可要好好禮讓他們才行呢~



BRITISH CORPORATION 英國企業
You have two cows. Both are mad.
你有兩頭牛。兩頭都瘋了 (mad cow disease = 狂牛症)

天使註解:就是譏諷英國首先出現狂牛症案例。


INDIAN CORPORATION 印度企業
You have two cows. Your worship them.
你有兩頭牛。你膜拜牠們。

天使註解:牛在印度是聖物


CHINESE CORPORATION 中國企業
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
你有兩頭牛。你派 300 個人擠牛奶。
對外,你宣稱零失業率還有高產量。
你把報導真相的記者逮捕了。

天使註解:譏諷中國政府愛製造假消息,營造「河蟹」氣氛。什麼?敢報導真相,擾亂國家秩序!逮捕!最後每家媒體都在歌功頌德,好個國泰民安、天下太平哪!

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